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Tuesday, 07 April 2009

Bummed

The day for my surgery, April 3, 2009 finally arrived:
I woke up at 4:25AM and took my shower with the special "pre-surgical" soap I was given, got dressed and made it to the hospital by 5AM. I went through the intake process and was sent to a "holding room". Shortly after that, I was called upstairs to don the lovely hospital attire. While there, they took all my vitals and discovered that I had a fever .... they kept re-checking, every few minutes, with all different types of thermometers. Eventually, I was sent up to the holding room, just prior to surgery. The anaethesiologist came to speak with me ... he told me, after examining me, that he could still safely do his job for my surgery. At 7:20 (ten minutes before my scheduled surgery), the surgeon came in and told me that he would not operate on me while I had a fever. I was so bummed and upset. I was actually mad at God .... and told Him so. I got home and wernt right to bed ..... I wouldn't answer the phone or talk to anyone. Yesterday was my first real day up and out of bed. I went to see a doctor (because, sure enough, I got sick .... with a cough, swollen glands and mucous). Not my regular one because his office couldn't put me in for another week ..... I went to see a walk-in doctor that my daughter recommended. I got there and found out they don't accept my insurance. I left and made an appointment to see my sister .... an Adult Nurse Practitioner. She put me on 2 meds and a cough syrup. I still have my appointment with my regular doctor, scheduled for Friday .... I may keep it, in hopes I'll be feeling better by then and we can talk about re-scheduling my surgery (for the 3rd time).
I don't know when I can have my surgery now. First, of course, I have to get better .....and I am told I will need 6 weeks to recover from the surgery. That will soon put me into my husband's 50th birthday weekend and I have made special plans to celebrate.. Six weeks after that, puts us into my daughter's wedding and, six weeks after that, puts us into our 30th wedding anniversary celebration. At this rate, I'll be having the surgery in August!! That means, of course, trouble eating and sleeping sitting up, more often than not ..... along with the constant discomfort. I had been praying, prior to my surgery, and I am praying now .... and I know there is a reason for this, but it is so frustrating. I am over my hissy fit of being depressed and mad at God (sidenote: my Pastor says that you must have a pretty good relationship with God to get mad at Him and tell Him so). I am still discouraged and pray that I will be healed soon and that I may have this needed surgery before too long.
God is good ..... I believe that. And I am in His Hands, which is exactly where I want to be. In His time .....

Tuesday, 31 March 2009

Musings

I haven't written anything on xanga in ages. Just never seems like there is anything in my life that others would really want to read about. Not that I consider my life boring, dull or uneventful ..... it's just that it's MY life and, as such, it interests me, but others? I don't think so. Sort of like those two TV shows (one is about the Duggers and their umpteen children and the other is about a family of eight) ..... I'm sure they don't lead boring, dull, uneventful lives, but like .... who cares? I, for one, find no excitement (or even the tiniest bit of interest) in watching their family life play out on TV. So they chose to have a bunch of kids ... good for them, I guess.
Now, I DO check my xanga subscriptions regularly and I guess that makes me a voyeur of sorts. But, hey, xanga lends itself to this sort of behavior. Well, lately I've been thinking that I could write a blog, not so much for others to read (I don't think anyone really comes to my long "defunct" site anyway), but for me to just "journal" and get some thoughts out onto paper .... er .... a computer screen.
This has been quite a year for me and I realize now that I never really slowed down enough to stop and process the changes in my life .... and allow myself to fully experience all the associated feelings, good and not so good. Now, as I contemplate my upcoming surgery (this Friday), I realize I have a mandatory "slow down" ahead of me ..... I like to view it as a God ordained appointment to step aside and re-assess and re-evaluate and seek His guidance, healing and joy. Do I think He caused me to have this surgery? No. not at all ..... I just think He uses all things for my good.
I turned 50 in January of 2008 and I felt good ...... it felt like a turning point in my life. You know, a sort of, "maybe I'm grown up now, after all" sort of feeling. A decision to not let things bother me so much .... to be "me" with no apologies needed. Then, my already terminally ill Dad , fell in June and had to be hospitalized. He DID come home to us, but we knew it was the beginning of the end and only had my precious Dad until July 16th, when the Lord just took him to his heavenly home. Now, I had left my teaching job (instrumental music teacher) four years earlier, so that I could spend time with my terminally ill Dad (no one ever imagined he would have lived for as long as he did, but he was a strong and determined man). I had been going over to his house to see him every day .... and once a week I would take him out to lunch. First, walking very slowly and leaning on me for support, then with a cane .... then a walker, a wheelchair, and finally, an electric wheelchair. I loved my Dad and we had some really wonderful times together. No, he was gone and I had this big gaping hole in my day (when I would go see him), as well as the one in my heart. I envied my siblings ..... my brother owns his own business and could bury himself in that, one sister was single with a really meaningful job .... she had to keep working to support herself, another sister has 3 small children that needed her time, love and attention and another sister also had two young children to care for. My kids were grown and no one really needed me, so I felt. I thought I could go home and go to bed for a month and who would really notice I was "missing"? Silly, I know, but that is how I felt. I thought I needed an immediate "mission" to bury myself in. Now, don't get me wrong, although I missed Dad terribly and am still mourning his absence, I DO know where he is spending his eternity and that gives me great comfort.
Shortly after Dad's "home-going", I received a call from the school I used to teach at. The man who had replaced me four years ago was leaving and they were asking me back. I felt grateful ..... perhaps I would be able to bury myself in my old job, which had always loved so much. Well, as the summer wore on, my boss retired and some ne administration came in. They called me and asked me to come down to "brainstorm" with the Board of Education, in preparation for the upcoming school year. I prayed and I went to the designated appointment. It turned out that I had been deceived ..... it wasn't a "brainstorm" with the board, it was an interview (and there were two other candidates there). I knew right away that I wasn't going to be offered my old job back because, if that had been the true intent, I would not have had to go through this "mock interview" process. Others had left, eventually been asked to return, and just came back to their old jobs. I decided not to make a scene and went through the senseless interview (you know, them asking me questions about what I would do "if" and me answering by telling them what I did when that happened in the 7 years I worked for them). I left the interview feeling hurt and downtrodden. They never contacted me again. I found out, indirectly, that the job had been offered to a young man. I was crushed. Not only did I not get the job (that I had actually been quite good at, thanks to the Lord's guidance and strength), but the panel of men and women who "interviewed" me were all (except the one new administrator) work friends and previous colleagues of mine and I didn't even get the courtesy of a rejection letter.
I then applied at another school to teach 5th grade (there were no music positions available and I am dually certified in music and elementary ed.). I got the job and began teaching again. I got sick almost immediately ..... a terrible hacking cough that just wouldn't give up. It started the third week in September and went on through the end of December. I had to leave this new job in December, right before the Christmas break. All the coughing had caused (or at least brough to the forefront) 3 hernias and I needed to schedule surgery. It was scheduled for Jan. 13th.
In the meantime, my wonderful son and his beautiful wife had moved to North Carolina at the end of October ..... my "daughter-in-love" is also a teacher and she just couldn't find work up here, so they had to relocate. Although I was so happy for them and the new (and easier) lifestyle that was ahead for them, another piece of my heart shriveled up, or so it felt. Along came my surgery date, but I wasn't cleared because my immune system was too weak after being sick for so long. So, the new date was set ..... Friday, April 3rd.
My Mom had knee replacement surgery on March 4th. I took her to the hospital, visited her there every day and brought her home when she was able. I felt happy and blessed to be available to do that for her, but something unexplainable happened to me. Although it was irrational, I found myself so heavy hearted .... it brought back all those "stuffed" feelings of Dad in the hospital. And of losing him. I knew Mom was going to survive, get better and return to "business as usual", but my heart wouldn't totally accept the obvious truth of the reality. I think it was then I knew that I needed to slow down and deal with my life and all of the recent events,
And, so now it is time to welcome the surgery and the mandatory recuperation period ..... and to embrace all the changes in my life. The absence of my Dad, the closing door to return to my job as an instrumental music teacher, my son and his wife in NC, having to leave my "new" job (althoughh it was on great terms .... they are wonderful people), watching Mom recuperate from her knee replacement surgery, my oldest daughter getting married in June (this is a huge blessing and something I have been praying for .... at 27, she will be marrying the man of her dreams and her very best friend. Furthermore, we love him probably as much as she does!!) and my youngest (24 years old) talks of moving out when she is 25. I will then officially be an "empty-nester". It's a normal and natural progression and I am so happy and blessed to see my "kids" find their way in life and move on. But, for so long, I have identified myself with being their "Mom". That job feels as if it has come to an end .... another adjustment to ponder and embrace.
I know I am deeply and truly blessed and I often actually FEEL it, down deep in my bones. I just need to slow down for a bit, ponder the changes, pray, accept them on my own terms and look to the Lord for guidance for the future .... and I need to allow myself time to feel, to grieve and to heal. But it WILL happen. In the meantime, if anyone actually DOES read this, please pray that all goes well for my surgery on Friday :)

Sunday, 11 May 2008

Mother's Day

I'm just feeling so blessed today! Not only do I have a loving husband , three precious adult children, a wonderful "daughter-in-love" (a.k.a. "daughter-in-law", but I dislike that term) and an awesome honorary family member (my daughter's boyfriend), but we ALL got to worship together in church today! These sweet and loving people took me out to eat at a hibachi grill called Gashos (mmm!) and showered me with gifts. Hfm started a chain reaction by giving me a lovely hanging basket plant. I asked my husband to buy a shepherd's crook so that I could hang it outside. Not only did he buy the crook, but he also bought anothet hanging basket plant (complete with crook), so I now have one on both sides of my driveway :) I was happy with the look and thought that was enough, but then my husband went out, yet again, and bought a ton of marigolds (we planted them around our flowering dogwood tree and also made way for a whole "marigold flower bed"! Next thing I know, I'm being given vegetables to plant ... eggplant, beans, watermelon, squash, tomatoes, peppers, pumpkins, and cucumbers. They are now planted and surrounded with a border of the extra marigold plants I had ......and all because of a single hanging basket plant :)

Saturday, 12 April 2008

I didn't write this, but I like it ......

Old Age, I decided, is a gift.

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, and my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.

I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon?

I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60&70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love .. I will.

I will walk the beach in a swimsuit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.
They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken.   How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get   older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't   question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free.   I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it)
Resting in Him

My 47 year old sister-in-law unexpectedly had a massive heart attack over a week ago. She has been in a coma ever since.My husband has been in Ohio, with family, all this while. He just called me at 4AM to let me know that our dear Missy has died. My husband's words best sum up what we are feeling:
Life isn't neat and tidy like an hour long drama on TV. It's open ended pain. It's uncertainty. It's sitting on the edge of a knife blade with fire on either side. If I didn't know there is a God who loves the creatures that He has created, and that He has a plan for our lives, I would probably end mine. I wouldn't be able to go in and talk to my sister, threatening to play heavy metal music in her room until she wakes up. I wouldn't be able to plan for my own future and care for those I love. God is good, all the time. He lifts my heart when I should be in the depths of depression. It probably doesn't make sense to some of you who are reading this, but I pray it will someday. I pray that you will know the peace that only comes through turning your life over to Jesus.
My children and I are packing and will be driving out to Ohio today to join my precious husband and his grieving family. Please remember us all in your prayers.
God bless.